Content warning: rape culture and threats of corrective rape
The Cornell 57 are the latest crashing wave in the ocean of rape culture we're all swimming in. There have been countless waves that have collectively knocked us off our feet, over and over again. This is the background noise to our lives right now.
Last week I got a call from someone who said they were from Rogers Communications. When I mentioned my wife, they asked if I was “a gay” and then threatened to rape me. I got this call in the middle of a series of seven "win-back" sales calls from Rogers in 2 weeks, so I thought it was them. After I tagged them on LinkedIn someone from The Office of the President reached out to start an investigation. He was empathetic and thorough, and he followed up promptly. The investigation concluded that this rape threat did not come from Rogers.
I want to share two reflections.
Some people focused on the wrong details.
"There are lots of spam calls going around. How do you know it was Rogers?"
"You answered the phone? Me, I never pick up those calls."
Comments like this came from men and women.
Um, someone threatened to rape me over the phone. That's a really violent and shitty thing. Start there, sit with your own discomfort around that, say "that sucks" or "I don't know what to say, but I hope you're ok".
One of the male coaches at my gym said, "I saw your post. I'm really sorry that happened to you. That's not ok." Perfect response, human and empathetic. Thanks coach.
Many people offered unsolicited advice. This really pissed me off.
"You should really call Rogers and talk to them."
"This is discrimination. You need to report this."
I posted publicly and asked Rogers to fix this. Privately I reached out to some close friends to validate my rage and to cry. Receiving unsolicited advice was really annoying. I didn't ask for people to add things to my to do list. My intent on posting on LinkedIn, where I have almost 35,000 followers, was to put this on Rogers' radar.
I hate having to interact with large corporations on the phone. I get lost in the menus and hate being transferred around to people in different departments. I did not want to have to tell this story over and over again. My strategy was sound: about 24 hours later someone from the Office of the President reached out to schedule a call. What I didn't anticipate was a few gay managers reaching out to me privately to ask how they could escalate things within their company. That was really kind and touched me.
Resources on sexual violence
I am not an expert on sexual violence, though I have lived experience as a survivor. Here are some resources that I think are worth sharing.
Farrah Khan's BRAVE model
Farrah Khan is an expert on supporting survivors of gender-based violence and a leader in collaborative advocacy and systemic change.
This 3-minute video outlines her BRAVE model and is worth watching.
Jamyle K. Cannon
I'm assuming this reel was made as a response to a so-called comedian (he's not actually funny) on SNL who talked about how women dress like whores at the gym. There's a lot of response videos out today and this is my favourite.
"Oh, she's dressed like a whore. Oh, I respect whores. I respect whores, hos, bitches, sluts, Only Fans models. I respect women."
Jeff Jacobson
Jeff is a gay man, a coach, a writer, a friend and many other things. I appreciate his perspective on the Cornell 57. These two bits really stood out to me:
"...it was to be with other men sexually, or erotically, or violently. ...if you're straight and homophobic...then this drug becomes a love-hate thing and it warps into violence"
"we're also doing it because we crave the approval, connection or community of other violent boys and men"
This is like a clunky transition from talking about sexual violence to promoting my coaching practice, but here we go.
Coaching
I want to help you get really clear about what's important to you for the rest of the year.
People are leaving 30 minute coaching sessions with big and little insights. This thrills me.
I sometimes scribble down a word or a short phrase that a client says. After the last one of these sessions I looked down at my notebook and it said "I get my life back." That was the impact of the work shift this client was dreaming about.
I'm offering 8 of these sessions in October and November. Each session is 30 minutes and costs $20.
I'm noticing that clients are bringing a lot of energy to these sessions. I'm showing up with lots of energy and coaching fearlessly too. I love this combo!
Other ways to work with me
- 1:1 coaching — 3 or 6 month packages. Book a free chemistry call to see if we're a fit. Your workplace might have professional development funds you can use, or you might ask your manager to invest in you.
- Team offsites — I design and facilitate in-person experiences for teams. I love especially love facilitating beginnings nd endings. I'm actively looking to do more of this, especially in person. Reply with the basics (who, what, when) and let's talk.
- Speaking — keynotes, panels, fireside chats. I'm a strong interviewer if you need someone to draw out a great conversation. Here's my current keynote on leadership and values.
- Inclusion consulting — strategy, thought partnership, and culture work for organizations building high-performance inclusive workplaces. Reach out here.
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