My dad died last Monday. He was 79.
It was shocking but not unexpected.
The next morning my wife and I got in the car and drove 10 hours north from Vancouver to Prince George to be with and support my mom. My biological family is complicated for me and so is my relationship with the town I grew up in. I could feel the investment I've made in my healing and growth through therapy, movement work and coaching, and it was still hard. I have the love and support of many people, and it was still hard. And there were some sweet moments.
My wife and I went through boxes of photos, old photo albums and my mom's iPad to make a short video slideshow:
I loved seeing their wedding pictures. My parents got married in 1970 when interracial marriages were less common. My dad looks so young here! Both sets of grandparents look so good, and my mom's glasses are amazing. They were happily married for 59 years. They were still in love and each other's best friends. They enjoyed their life together.
As we were getting ready to go to my mom's house, my wife asked me a very coachey question “who do you want to be?” I thought about it for a moment and decided on water. We talked some more and I declared I wanted to be a peaceful, meandering stream. Well, that didn't happen. By the end of the day I turned into explosive airborne lava when my mom and I had a bit of a fight. When we got back to the hotel my wife hugged me as I was crying saying “I wanted to be water but I was lavaaaaaa”. Oops. I patched things up with my mom the next day.
Grief is weird. I think anger is my portal to sadness right now. My friend Shawn reminded me "there's no right way and wrong way to grieve".
It was comforting to receive messages from people with the stock message of "I'm sorry for your loss" or "My deepest condolences to you and your family". When I've sent those, I've often wondered what it's like on the other side. Our society is really uncomfortable with death and dying, so it's useful to have conventions to follow. For me, it felt like a gentle wave of love.
Podcast episodes
I spent a lot of time in the car this last week and listened to a bunch of podcasts and CBC Radio. Here's two podcast episodes that were outstanding.
Our Ancestors Were Messy
The Revolutionary Black Loyalists Live with Tressie McMillan Cottom
On the drive home from Prince George, we got to spend time with this podcast, which is brilliant. If you're into history, Tressie McMillan Cottom (I'm a superfan) or have a sense of humour you will likely enjoy this.
I loved that the host Nichole Hill has 5 decision points along the story and asks the audience what decision they would make. It's such a fun way to engage with history.
It is a long episode, 1 hour and 38 minutes. Make sure you have a chunk of time, or split it up. It is worth your time.
Lost Together Podcast with Marika Heinrichs
"How do we build relationships across difference in power, history and identity?" is a question I spend a lot of time thinking about.
I'm a huge fan of Prentis Hemphill's work and am new to Marika Heinrichs'. Hearing them in conversation, especially about race and embodiment work, was delightful, nourishing and a lot to chew on. I especially liked Marika's reflections as a white person involved in equity and justice work.
She asks:
What is the kind of internal scaffolding that white folks need to be able to witness the pain and woundedness with radicalized people, who we know and love and in relationship with, without the under or over response?
What do we need to grow in ourselves and with each other? It's not an individual act, it's a cultural act.
I'm going to need to re-listen a few times to unpack all the richness that is here.
Other ways to work with me
- 1:1 coaching — 3 or 6 month packages. Book a free chemistry call to see if we're a fit.
- Team offsites — I design and facilitate in-person experiences for teams. I'm actively looking to do more of this, especially in person. Reply with the basics (who, what, when) and let's talk.
- Speaking — keynotes, panels, fireside chats. I'm booking events for Pride this year. I'm a strong interviewer if you need someone to draw out a great conversation. Here's my current keynote on leadership and values.
- Inclusion consulting — strategy, thought partnership, and culture work for organizations building high-performance inclusive workplaces. Reach out here.
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